Cycles of depression and encouragement

Two Tuesdays ago I woke up depressed. Struggle is a part of our life and ministry on many levels. It helps to talk with our co-workers and encourage each other, and it helps to try to analyze where it's coming from...a hard meeting with a student, discouragement at the hard soil of Bosnia, or something else. But some days it hits without a clear reason. Monday night had been a great Bible Study...three new students came and we had great discussion about Jesus' life. There seemed to be no reason to be bummed immediately after that. But I still felt exhausted, and frustrated. "Are you even at work in Bosnia, God?" "Why is ministry here so hit-and-miss?" and "Are we using our gifts and energy well?" were just some of the questions in my mind.

I opened my Bible to a familiar passage, I Kings 19. Just before, in Chapter 18 is one of God's most dramatic displays of power in the entire Bible...Elijah faces off against the false prophets of Baal, and in full view of thousands God sends fire from heaven, incinerating an altar soaked in water. It's an amazing victory for God, and the Israelites fall on their faces in repentance before him.

But Elijah crashes, hard. In 19:4-5, we find him collapsing under a tree, depressed and weak, and in an honest, hold-nothing-back moment asking God to end it all! "I've had enough, Lord," he says. "Take my life, I am no better than my ancestors." Interesting that his burnout comes immediately after what must have been a huge personal high in Chap 18. Can you say spiritual attack?

God's response is, at least to me, unexpected and insightful. I'm chewing on it still.

First, God provides food for Elijah and tells him to eat, or the journey will be too much to handle. God isn't all ethereal spirituality, ideas and words. Living for him is a journey--a marathon, not just a sprint--and we need nourishment in practical ways if we are to endure. Exercise, enjoyable hobbies, and a plain old good diet to keep us healthy. All of these contribute to a right perspective on life and our place in His plan. How great that our God knows our practical needs and is concerned with our well-being. I've heard Jesus-followers say things like that they don't have time to exercise or take a day off because they're so busy serving. Sadly, this perspective leads to burnout. Moreover, it isn't Biblical. Believing that there isn't time to care for myself means I believe that God sees me primarily not as his beloved child, but as a tool to be used for ministry until it breaks down, and then discarded.

God invites Elijah to voice his lament, which concludes with "I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me." (19:10) And here's the second way God treats Elijah's depression. Elijah can't see any help from the "people of God" around him. He feels completely alone. But God reminds him who he is serving. "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." (11) A series of explosive natural phenomena occur, but then God's presence passes before Elijah not in the wind nor earthquake nor fire, but in a gentle whisper. Sometimes we don't need a dramatic display of glory through powerful preaching or worship with hands in the air (Elijah saw that, and he still crashed!)...we need to feel, deep down inside, that God is real and that he is personal. That he cares enough to whisper to me. Preaching can always be critiqued, the worship band doesn't always play the song that I want, but no one can deny the power of feeling God touch my heart and remind me that he's there. Not to say that this comes easily or always. These days I'm constantly praying for God to whisper to me and remind me who he is and where he is.

But I love that he meets Elijah in the whisper. I imagine right then it didn't matter that Elijah couldn't see other people alongside him...he was focused on the object of his service, God. This year I've been thinking a lot about what it means that we are called to Bosnia not to produce visible results (which only God can do, and which often happen on a timeline we can't see), but in committed service as an act of worship. I am here because His Majesty said "go." When I forget that, I can get overwhelmed by a lack of results. But when I focus on faithfulness as worship, I can go on a bit longer.

Which dovetails into the third way God responds to Elijah's burnout. God tells him to get up and take the next step. "Go anoint the next king, and Elisha as your successor." (15-17) God says "I'm not done using you...here's what's next." There's a point where it won't help Elijah to sit there analyzing his situation any longer. Lord knows I analyze too much in an attempt to logically figure out my next step. And at a certain point it doesn't help anymore. We're not God, and we can't see the entirety of his plan laid out before us. (Do you ever wonder why Isaiah doesn't critique God's strategy in Is. 6 when God says basically "go, spend your life preaching to them, and they won't respond at all" ? "Umm, Lord, I have a better idea...") Our part is to rest in the knowledge that he does know what he's doing. And then to take the next step of faithfulness in our call. "Ok Deron, now get up and call the next student for coffee." Ironically, when we push ahead in obedience some of our depressed thoughts fall to the wayside. Something encouraging happens. A good conversation, a new connection. God shows up again in some way, and we're reminded that he is still steering this ship.

Last Tuesday I crashed, and was encouraged by God in these ways. On Wednesday I went to coffee with the same guys from Bible Study, and over 3 1/2 hours got to share and talk through the Gospel with them. Since then there have been several other great connections with students, and several low moments. Depression and encouragement. That seems to be our life a lot these days. Up and down the emotional roller coaster. I'm grateful to God for His steady care for us through it all.

Pics from Banja Luka

As promised earlier, here are some pics from my drive to northern Bosnia to see staff worker David in Banja Luka. Make sure you watch the video.

As I began the 4 1/2 hour drive, it was a beautiful & colorful fall day, with just a light rain falling...
But as I climbed into the mountains, the light rain turned into moderate snow. I crept along slowly in EUS' small hatchback, with no snow tires mind you...
At least I wasn't alone...I was accompanied by sheep and other animals. Check this out:



I arrived without incident, and on the way home took a different route through a part of Bosnia I'd never been.

Northeastern Bosnia, middle-of-nowhere:
Middle-of-nowhere, part II:

Happiness is good milk.

You might notice that a lot of these posts are about food we discover here. Right now I'm stoked about finding good milk! Most (~98%) of the milk sold in Europe is UHT = Ultra High Temperature. UHT milk is super pasteurized, which gives it a shelf life of about 4 months, unrefrigerated, until you open it. If that sounds a bit scary to you, it did to us too. I was certain that UHT milk must be lower in nutrients somehow, until I did some reading and found it's just as healthy as the stuff I'm used to from the States. But we weren't huge fans of the taste. It's fine in cereal, but we didn't drink it by itself.

But then we found sviježe mlijeko, or fresh milk. This stuff is the same price, has much better flavor, and is drinkable by itself. However, it lasts only a few days and isn't available everywhere. We buy it when possible, and live it up quickly before the dreaded date arrives and it's either pitch it or pound whatever's left. (And Jess is particularly suspicious of the smell.)

And at our last trip to the store, we discovered that they've begun offering sviježe mlijeko in a huge 1.75L bottle (about 1/2 gallon) with a 10-day duration! We're living large and drinking a lot, which is especially timely with Jess pregnant. I forgot how awesome a big glass of milk is. It's like dessert. (Right, Lovie?)

Look out sparkling water, there's competition in the fridge.

Would you like a bat with that?

This happened a while back but its definitely worth mentioning that we had two surprise visitors in September, a bat, and our landlady.

One beautiful, hot evening we left all the windows open to let air in throughout the night (who needs AC?). The next few days we both heard strange shuffling sounds coming from the kitchen. At first we thought, maybe mice in the walls? But no, no mice to be seen. Then, another day went by and we began to hear the light squealing noise, and gave up trying to guess what it was.

Sure enough, that same evening, we were enjoying a quiet night at home, when all of the sudden a bat swoops into the living room, circling over our heads. I screamed and threw myself to the floor, covering my head, while Deron ran to the kitchen to grab a broom. I mean, what would you grab? Deron managed to open the door to our balcony, thinking he could gently usher the bat in that direction. Wouldn't you know that instead, the bat began following the broom and made contact with it several times before landing on the floor. Deron ran over, used the broom to check if it was alive, and finally, it jumped up and out through our balcony. Whew!

I must say that this was a first for both of us. Any of you ever had a bat in your house? I flashed immediately to the movie Ace Ventura 2, where Jim Carrey is chasing down a very sacred bat. Yuck!

The other anecdote is brief but also worth mentioning; Deron and I had just finished ever so cleverly moving some of our landlady's furniture by lending it to a friend (our apartment is over-furnished). She lives in England so we thought, she probably doesn't care. And besides, we've never even met her or spoken with her.

The next morning we get a phone call. Its her! She tells Deron that she is in Sarajevo and was hoping to come over THAT DAY in the next couple of hours to meet us and see the place. And would that be ok? Deron smiled and in Bosnian told her, of course its not a problem. He hung up, and we proceeded to clean the entire place, putting things back to please her. I remember that I was still taking off the gloves and changing my clothes when she knocked on the door.

In the end, we are SO GLAD she visited. She was so nice, and generous. But you know, this just would not happen in the US, or would it? So renters, beware, because your landlady might be waiting for the moment you decide to redecorate!

Visiting a co-worker

I'm in Banja Luka right now for a couple days visiting David, the EUS staff worker I supervise. BL is a beautiful city, the second largest in Bosnia behind Sarajevo. David is pioneering work here with students, and the context and difficulty are very much on par with elsewhere in our country.

I always love the chance to travel through Bosnia.* I enjoy road trips in general when there isn't LA traffic, and here the breathtaking nature is particularly enjoyable. Fall colors are out in full force!

But even moreso, this visit it's been great to get to see David's context and daily life. I already have joined him in an English Class he leads (he's from the Czech Republic, but speaks English, Bosnian/Serbian, French, and German in addition to his native Czech) and a prayer meeting. We had great conversation about the challenges and encouragements of ministry and many other topics. Tonight David will lead a Bible Study for high schoolers and college students, and then play floor hockey with a group of young guys. In addition to seeing his work and talking about how the job and life are going, we are going through a series on developing leadership skills together.

I really enjoy supervising staff, and wish we had more opportunity to do that. I guess that's a prayer--God, send more workers!

*forgot to mention - on the way here I took a "shortcut" over a mountain, which we've used in the past, to save time. But 10km up the hill the rain turned to snow, and it got a bit crazy in our tiny hatchback. I'll post some pictures when I get home.

There is no joy in Mudville...

I don't suppose many of you read this blog to hear my insight and thoughts on college football. But it is about us and our life, and tonight that means our mourning over this--our USC Trojan's 47-20 loss to U of Oregon. The Trojans have been dominant for about the past 8 years, under coach Pete Carroll, who we'd gladly vote for as US President. This year they are a good and highly-ranked team, but there are some deep cracks in the armor.

It was a big game, and we were on the edge of our seats at the beginning. But U of O, playing like the best team in the country, absolutely dominated the game from the 2nd quarter-on. The 3rd quarter was so bad I told Jess "maybe they can just surrender and end it before we lose by 40 points." But there are more important things in life...

A great end to a so-so day

Today we said goodbye to my parents, who spent the past two weeks with us in Bosnia. We had a wonderful time with them, and it was so fun showing off our country! But of course we were correspondingly sad when they left. This afternoon we were in the EUS office together doing office work and studying Bosnian. Our attitudes were overall pretty down, and the fact that it gets dark here at 4:45pm doesn't help at all.

But then the evening came. Tonight was our second conversational English class, and we had 5 students new-to-the-class come, plus almost all of them from the previous week. Three guys I met this summer came, and they brought a friend. It was a great group, because most of them have been around EUS for a while and are familiar with each other and with us.

Jess did a fantastic job teaching...she is really an excellent language teacher, and it's fun to watch her grow in this skill. (She's so good that our Bosnian language teacher, who directs a language school, has invited Jess to consider teaching either Spanish or beginning Bosnian in the school!)

The class was a lot of fun...we talked about the weather and travel, and then had a scintillating class debate over whether it's better to travel in the winter or summer. No seriously, it was action packed...Bosnian students are ridiculously competitive, and they enjoy a good debate over anything.

Afterward, as always, we went to a cafe, switched to Bosnian language, and had great conversations! It was just plain fun spending time with students that we really like. The guys I was talking with asked about the main purpose of our work with EUS, and I was able to explain how we want to honor and worship God through serving students: that includes things like teaching English, and also through studying the Bible and learning about him. The conversation went deeper into their beliefs and ours. As we left, everyone was smiling and talking about how we should do it again soon. Like next week.

Nothing huge, nothing groundbreaking. Just a good night. We'll admit that as we prepare for our first child, sometimes we ask God "Can we really go on working with students? ...we're not in that life stage anymore!" But on a night like tonight, we remember that even as we grow and change it's still possible to connect with them, and even enjoy it too.